Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
