Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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