I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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