Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
