tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
