cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
