I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
