i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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