i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
