is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
