we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
