my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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