you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
