went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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