I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
