dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
