omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
