Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
