Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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