what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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