She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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