actually, I'm a sock model
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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