Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
