I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
