The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
