Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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