he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
honey bunches of taint.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
