I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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