You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
