I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
