i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Less talking, more tequila
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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