Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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