I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
