Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
