If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
