I need to stop coming to work sober
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We need a shit load of segways right now
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize