I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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