So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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