I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
