He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I love you. Go after that dick
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
