So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
