The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
