All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
