she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
