i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
