Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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