I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
