I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
