genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize