And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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