Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize