so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
