The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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