He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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