How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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