all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
