I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
