at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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