You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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